New life please…

Hi, me again!

It’s been a while….

So I’ll get straight to it. This year has been completely crazy, and when I say CRAZY, I mean it. I don’t quite know where I am in life right now and god only knows I wish I knew.

I’ll help you catch up. Started a new job early this spring, 5 days in I get told I’m not the right fit for the business as I come across too “corporate”, what ever that means. The I get another a couple of month later after going to as many job interviews as possible. Begin to settle in, think I’ve found my dream job and start to let my guard down. Then BAM! I get informed that they don’t want to carry me forward due to a company restructure, bearing in mind I’ve been at the business for almost 6 months. Bollocks to them.

So now, 6 weeks into my newest job and I’m actually happy. However, my anxiety is playing up ridiculously. Every time my director’s speak to HR, I constantly think they’re talking about me and are going to get rid off me. It’s got so bad that I begin to have a panic attack and it’s really affecting my mood, even at home.

Anyway, enough of that, next subject. My friend’s.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you may have a slight inclination that I can be overly possessive and I certainly don’t like people trying to steal my friends. Well the same girl I mentioned hasn’t given up at all, in fact, she’s moved on to my BEST friend! Now yeah, I know I sound ridiculous, especially being a 30 year old woman. But that’s my best friend. My ultimate soul mate. I’ve stood by and watched their friendship blossom, to the point where I don’t seem to get an invite when something is arranged. Pathetic I know. But what else can I do really? Probably stop being a twat!

Next on my list, relationship!

I’m still engaged but not quite happily. Earlier this summer I found out that my fiance has being doing coke throughout our entire 5 year relationship (when he’s out with the lads, not daily) and I’d been none the wiser. His friend let slip so I confronted him about it. He knows my views, my mates do it and so do his but I certainly DON’T do it and never want to. I’m very black and white on that subject, more so because I had a friend who died from taking drugs, secondly, I actually think if I tried it, I’d probably really like it (addictive personality-ex smoker). So I’ve never shown any interest in it. But what angers me the most that we have had many arguments regarding this subject, some really bad ones where the house has been trashed, and he still had the cheek to bare face lie to me.

Anyway, I decided to stay with him and try and look past it and stop being so judgemental (my brother’s words, not mine) and focus on our future. But since then, nothing has been the same. I feel so betrayed. Like, how can I trust him again? Will I ever trust him again? It’s made me become quite distant and closed and I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself. I feel like he’s won. And I’m the one that has to suffer the consequences. Nothing new there then. It has come between us, even our sex life has gone down hill. There’s no cuddles or kissing anymore. And I’m meant to be marrying him in 6 months time. Like what the hell do I do?

Bloody hell, I don’t quite know where I’m going with this post. I have so much more to say but don’t know if I’m ready just yet. All I know is that I’ve been in a very dark place this week. I’ve never felt so alone. I don’t know if it’s the time of year with my parents no longer being here or what. But I have been having thoughts about not being here and if I should seek help as I don’t know if I’m normal or not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want to end it all, I’m not in that state of mind. But I am kind of thinking what’s the point of all this. Just another 12 months gone by to add to my miserable life.

Oh well, I’ll shut up now and try and get some sleep. If anyone would like to provide me with a new life, friend and trusting and affectionate partner, then you know where I am.

Bye.