So, it’s Tuesday and another down day it is. Over the last few weeks, the down days are becoming a bit of a regular thing. I will wake up early, stay in my PJs, watch TV to my hearts content, pester my partner to hurry home, have my tea, then stay up until the early hours of the morning because my mind can’t switch off.
This is my life right now. I have been signed off work for 2 months so far and I feel like I have completely lost the plot along with all motivation. I find absolutely no joy in doing anything. My life sucks!
Do not get me wrong, if I meet up with friends for a coffee or go for food with my partner, I can put my ‘socialising’ mask on for a few hours but I cannot wait to get back to the comfort of my own home. It is a vicious cycle and it will not seem to stop. I feel like I am constantly exhausted but I have not lifted a finger all day. Believe it or not, I wake up tired and go to bed tired. Absolutely ridiculous.
I began going to the gym and taking the dog for long walks but I literally cannot be bothered anymore. I want to do those things but I am unable to motivate myself. The future seems so bleak right now; there is absolutely nothing to look forward to. It probably does not help that I hate my job; however, I spend each day applying for jobs and have been to the odd interview to then be turned down. All I can successfully do is attract negative vibes.
I swear my life has become one big joke. I constantly have conversations in my head and try to be the optimistic, happy go lucky girl that I used to be. Instead, I have a huge pessimistic cloud that will not stop bloody raining down on me. I will have friends trying to call and text me to check up on me but I’m beginning to ignore them. I feel like I am better off dealing with things on my own. I suppose that is what has caused all this and got me to where I am now. I am forever fighting battles alone because I have always been too scared to put my trust in people in case they try to hurt/sabotage me.
All I want to do is pack up and run away from everyone and everything. Unfortunately, I know that will not help me in the slightest. Running away from my problems will not solve what is going off in my head. My main aim now is to try to take each day as it comes and more importantly, be kind to myself.
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