Day 14 – Stuck at a crossroads – Is there even a correct path at this point?

8th December 2024

Sorry for going AWOL guys – I really did have good intentions of making this a daily diary sort of update but I won’t lie. I’ve procrastinated like fuck! Each day I kept telling myself that I’d get round to it and then I really couldn’t be arsed. So I am sorry for that, if you even care that is 🙂

The main reason I’m writing this update is because I had a little cry and needed a distraction. And also, I thought if I write about my emotions, then maybe my brain will finally catch up and help me deal with these shitty feelings.

This last week has been a whirlwind of emotions, to which at this point, I don’t actually know how I feel. I really couldn’t describe it – a little numb maybe?

The last contact I had with my ex was on the 29th after he wished me a happy birthday (my stomach just sunk at the thought of event referencing him as an ex, it seems so past tense. Well I suppose it is, isn’t it).

I responded courteously and left it at that. Then a few of my friends saw him out and tore him a new arsehole for how he’s treated me. Apparently he scuppered off. After one of my friend’s updated me on this exchange, I tried reaching out to him several times and he just ignored me. So I sent him a text with a few choice words and essentially told him to fuck off and that I was blocking him, to which I did right away.

Of course, I’ve unblocked him now….I did that about 4 days later. And have I heard anything!? Not a bloody peep!! Yes, it sounds toxic for blocking him and then expecting him to reach out. But you would think he would at least try surely? Especially as the majority of my belongings are still at his. But as I read back what I’m writing here, of course he wouldn’t reach out. He thinks I’m still mad. FML!!

I met my male friend on Friday who advised that I should reach out to my ex and simply tell him that I love and miss him and to meet me somewhere. No questions asked. I asked if this would this work and my friend said there’s only one way to find out.

So this is where I have a dilemma – yes I want to do that. But what happened between my ex and I was very severe. Like I mentioned before, I can’t go into any details, however based on what occurred for him to not reach out to me after 5 days after the initial ending, that really and truly broke my heart. It showed me a part of his character that I found very much hideous.

At this point in time I really stuck – he means the world to me and I want us to have the future we spoke about so often. But, am I best off just walking away and not even trying. I feel as though as I have done is try. And this relationship has really tested my patience. The ex is question though has really disrespected me in the past and made me feel so unworthy of love. I’ve become a person I no longer recognise. I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve changed or if this relationship has directly impacted me.

All I know is that I don’t have the foggiest idea as to what I’m doing, where I’m going or what the final destination will be. I’m very much a person that always looks into the future and is constantly planning my next move. But this is really forcing me to remain in the present.

I have no idea where my life is going anymore and I really hate this feeling. It feels suffocating. I just want to push ahead to 12 months from now and hope I’m happy and content.

Hey – ho, I suppose I’ve just got suck it up for now. I just want to be happy and smile again and be held by him. There is no better feeling in the world. I miss him dearly. I just want to return to him, my home.

Day 2 – I hate it here! Why am I so reluctant to want to move on?

26th November 2024

Today has been an emotional seesaw….

Last night I treated myself to a bottle of wine and reached out to my male friend for emotional support and all I can say is, boy did he give me some hard truths. Not what I wanted hear but essentially what I needed to hear.

He made it VERY clear that it is I who is holding on to hope, when in reality, the ex-boyfriend suggesting for me to remove my items is a clear indicator that there is absolutely ZERO chance of going back. Finito. Done.

I was my typically whiney self ( no pun intended) and became rather annoying and suggested various different avenues as to why there may still be hope. He obviously got frustrated and told me that if I require clarification, then to simply reach out to me ex and ask directly. Of course, I said I can’t do that. And why may you ask. Because I know that my friend is telling me truth, the truth that I don’t want to hear. The truth I don’t want to address. The truth I don’t want to accept.

I don’t want it to be a reality that the man I love the most in the world, will no longer be a part of my future. A future that we had planned together. Just writing those words breaks my soul.

I hate that I am having to sit with my own thoughts, knowing that I have to accept that this has happened. I am single. My relationship is beyond repair.

I have always been a firm believer that ANYTHING is resolvable, it doesn’t matter how difficult it may be, we only get one life and if we have an opportunity to fix something, then we should. However, I can’t fix a relationship on my own. When the other party no longer wants to participate. And that fucking sucks. It fucking sucks big hairy balls.

Thankfully, I have therapy tomorrow and she’s going to be in shock. As the last time I saw her, I told her that me and my ex were pretty much ready for us to move back in. Well, hasn’t this taken a drastic turn of events!

I allowed myself to cry in public today on a walk with my sister. And I hate crying. The thought of allowing myself to feel that emotion is so repulsive to me. I’ve always deemed it as showing weakness. I know people say to be kind to yourself, but I don’t want to be kind to myself. I hate who I am. I hate the person that I see when I look in the reflection. And that is why my ex doesn’t want to be with me. I am not a nice person.

I just want to hurry through this healing process, however, I am aware that this is a journey that I unfortunately have to take.

I don’t even know how to begin accepting my fate. Like where is the start? If someone could point me in that direction, I’d very much appreciate it.

And with that, I’m going to leave it there. I’ve written this today, so hopefully it is a step in the right direction. Even if it is a baby step.

Oh well. Enjoy your evening everyone – I’m probably going to wallow in self pity for another 30 mins.

Day 1 – I’ve lost it all! The consequences of my self-sabotage behaviour…

25th November 2024

Well well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions!

I have been a massive C*NT and I have lost the person that means the absolute most to me. As you may have read in my previous post, way back in February, I began a new relationship and had moved in with my boyfriend. Since then, I have pretty much fucked up my life. I’ve lost my boyfriend, lost my job and no longer live with my partner.

I’m not going to go into great detail about the circumstances surrounding what happened as let’s just say A LOT has taken place and it has taken a toll on my emotional and physical well-being.

I am currently in no contact (we’re now on day 3 after breaking it just after 5 days of the initial NC began) with my ex-boyfriend and he has asked me to remove my belongings from his home. I haven’t yet organised this as I need some time to pass and the dust to settle so to speak. He has offered to have my items delivered but I would prefer to pack the items myself as they are all over the place at his home.

My heart is really heavy right now and I don’t know what to do, a part of me is holding out hope that there is potential for reconciliation, but deep down I know that is it over. The relationship became far too toxic – I lacked self worth and boundary setting, partnered with a huge fear of abandonment and my anxious attachment style.

Today is the first day I have cried (just a little) but I woke up feeling so anxious and immediately wanting to check his socials. I feel like I can’t grieve and I’m constantly asking Chat GPT to analyse the communication we have since after I broke NC. It’s like I’m trying to hold on to a glimmer of hope, even it it just a tiny little grain. It’s like my head and heart won’t allow me to accept the end of this chapter.

I am trying to look internally at how my actions/reactions to scenarios are not been healthy to our dynamic. I have been vibrating at such a low level, no wonder he doesn’t want to be with someone like me. I have constantly tried to seek information on him putting his attention in other females. There is a certain ex-girlfriend that he constantly re-adds to Snapchat and I told him it upset me and I even forced him to block her when he was reluctant to. So I can guarantee that she is now back on the scene even though she is engaged.

Anyways, we digress. My therapist told me that I keep seeking emotionally unavailable men, just I how my dad treated me when I were younger. I’m not sure if that is the case but it is something I really need to dig deep into. My mind is currently going well over it’s speed limit and I can’t think clearly. One things for sure though is that I have completely lost my sense of self. I really don’t know who I am anymore, where I belong or why I’m even here.

For the last two days, I’ve rotted in my room eating takeaways and watched the dreaded algorithm of tarot readers on Tik Tok telling me that my boyfriend is coming in for reunion. Obviously, he is not as we’re not even speaking currently but it’s like I want to feed my mind with this false hope and narrative.

What I really need to focus on now is ME and why I’m showing up in partnerships in such a destructive way? Why do I hurt the people I love the most? Why do I lose myself when I enter a relationship? Why do I constantly seek validation and crave intimacy? Why do I self sabotage? Why can’t I just be present and not try and push for clarification on what’s going to happen in the future? Why am I so toxic and always causing unnecessary drama?

These are some really hard truths that I need to sit with and process and not just surface level but on a really deep level. I can’t keep showing up in life in such a destructive way. It is not healthy! I need to learn to take accountability and stop acting like I’m everyone’s walking karma. If anything, I am my own karma. What I put out, the world is returning to me tenfold.

So I have decided that for the foreseeable, I’m going to return to this blog and use it as my daily journal. This first post was initially meant to be a release for me to pour my heart out earlier but you can see how quickly that has changed.

I’m hoping that by keeping this up, it will help me to process my emotions and get really honest with myself. Hopefully you’re all up for the ride!?

Well, it looks like this week’s therapy session will be interesting… the last time I saw her I was on the cusp of moving back in with my boyfriend after moving out a few months ago to reconnect, and now we are back to square one, if anything -1000 steps back. So this will be fun I’m sure.

Anyways, Ciao for now!

When life takes a complete 360°

Wow… how fast does life move?!

It has been literally YEARS since I last wrote a blog post and quite frankly I have absolutely no excuse for not writing. I suppose you could say, that life has consumed me.

Well, here I am yet again. Not quite sure why but hey ho! I have A LOT to get off my chest and I’ve come to realise that when I write, I don’t seem to hold in all the little thoughts I have. You know that voice that likes to tell you how to live your life and whether or not you’re going in the right direction. You guys know what I means… Yeah, that annoying little shit. Haha.

I’m just going to jump right in as there is no point in given you all a brief update, as my life has done a complete 360° in less than a year. And when I say 360°, that is putting it lightly. I am quite concerned that I may have moved to another planet or dimension, as I thought I had everything (almost everything) that I’d ever wanted.

This time last year I was married (not quite happily but we will come to that), had just lost a job due to yet ANOTHER company structure and I had a set of mates (we’ll call these acquaintances now, that’s another story) and I was pretty content (or so I thought).

Fast forward to February 2024, I have seperated from my husband, moved out of our marital home, left those dusty “friends” behind and embarked on a completely new chapter.

One thing you will learn about me, I don’t do anything by halves. It has to be All or NOTHING. I genuinely believe I do think for the plot. Which of course, is one of the main Sagittarius traits, and I love that for me. Haha!

I am really on where to start… so let’s just write and see where we end up.

I left my husband in September last year. The marriage was coming to an end, well in fact, it had come to end in my head a few years prior. But because I loved him and felt I needed to remain committed to him because I was his WIFE, I never considered leaving him. I had always thought that we were best friends and that whatever life threw at us, we would tackle head on together.

However, as life continued, I felt sadness in my heart. Like a heaviness. It was as if no matter where I turned, nothing seemed to make me happy. I also felt neglected. Like those little date nights that we often take for granted had grounded to a complete holt. It didn’t matter how many times I asked, begged and argued for us to get back into the swing of prioritising each other, it always fell on deaf ears.

Now before some of you start, I did plan date nights, in fact when I look back, I pretty much planned the majority of them. Which I obviously grew tired of and began to feel as if the relationship itself had become one-sided. So of course, I was getting well and truly pissed off and resentment began to rear its head.

As time went by, this resentment built up so much that we thought it’d be fun to have a sexless marriage (this is a joke, of course I want to be bent over by my husband by any means necessary, who doesn’t want dick, haha) which of course tends to lead to the death of a marriage…RIP my marriage.

Quick side note; I want to apologise to those of you who are reading this, I am recognising that my thought process is all over the show. Please try and bear with me. My ADHD hasn’t quite focused on what it wants to focus on. A never ending issue of mine. So I am sorry guys.

Back to it…so after much deliberation and constant questioning of my friends as to whether I’m doing the right thing (which I guarantee will have pissed them off quite considerably as I think it got to the point that I was treating them as if there were my unpaid personal therapists) I bit the bullet and told my husband that we needed some time apart and that he should move in with his parents for a bit (which he did without no hesitation) to give us both some space and time to reflect on whether or not this marriage is what we both really want.

And being brutally honest, when he left, I felt a like a huge fucking weight had been lifted, and that is no exaggeration! I’m not quite sure why but being in the house by myself and my dog, I was no longer waking up in a good mood (which I typically do everyday) and having it completely shattered within less than 3 seconds. His pessimistic outlook on life and victim mentally had totally drained me and had become the norm.

It took less than 3 weeks of us living separately for me to decide that I’d had enough and I was throwing the gloves in. Some of you may think that I’d not given us a chance, and you know what, I probably didn’t. Only time will tell. But life is far too short for me to dwell on the what if’s and but’s. Life is about experiencing and learning. So this could be a catastrophic regret that I carry for the rest of my life and end up paying the price for this later down the line.

But we move….

So as I write this blog, I am 1 week in to living with my new BOYFRIEND. Yep, you read that right…. BOYFRIEND!!

And in true Danielle fashion of having a plot twist, the boyfriend is a “friend” of my husband (still married, so can’t call him ex-husband just yet). And before you all gun for me and tell me that I’ve broken the rule of dating someone associated with your ex, I’d actually label them “acquaintances”.

I’ve had met NOW boyfriend a few occasions in the past, he had even attended my wedding to my said husband. But they weren’t close and I’d only met him a handful of times before we invited him. It was more that he attended events of our larger friend group over the years and we didn’t want to leave him out, hence the invite to the wedding.

So with that awkward bit of insight, I will leave you guys to digest this blog post.

Thank you for ready everyone and I’ll be sure to give you another update VERY soon on my delusional life events.

Take care! X

New life please…

Hi, me again!

It’s been a while….

So I’ll get straight to it. This year has been completely crazy, and when I say CRAZY, I mean it. I don’t quite know where I am in life right now and god only knows I wish I knew.

I’ll help you catch up. Started a new job early this spring, 5 days in I get told I’m not the right fit for the business as I come across too “corporate”, what ever that means. The I get another a couple of month later after going to as many job interviews as possible. Begin to settle in, think I’ve found my dream job and start to let my guard down. Then BAM! I get informed that they don’t want to carry me forward due to a company restructure, bearing in mind I’ve been at the business for almost 6 months. Bollocks to them.

So now, 6 weeks into my newest job and I’m actually happy. However, my anxiety is playing up ridiculously. Every time my director’s speak to HR, I constantly think they’re talking about me and are going to get rid off me. It’s got so bad that I begin to have a panic attack and it’s really affecting my mood, even at home.

Anyway, enough of that, next subject. My friend’s.

If you’ve read my previous posts, you may have a slight inclination that I can be overly possessive and I certainly don’t like people trying to steal my friends. Well the same girl I mentioned hasn’t given up at all, in fact, she’s moved on to my BEST friend! Now yeah, I know I sound ridiculous, especially being a 30 year old woman. But that’s my best friend. My ultimate soul mate. I’ve stood by and watched their friendship blossom, to the point where I don’t seem to get an invite when something is arranged. Pathetic I know. But what else can I do really? Probably stop being a twat!

Next on my list, relationship!

I’m still engaged but not quite happily. Earlier this summer I found out that my fiance has being doing coke throughout our entire 5 year relationship (when he’s out with the lads, not daily) and I’d been none the wiser. His friend let slip so I confronted him about it. He knows my views, my mates do it and so do his but I certainly DON’T do it and never want to. I’m very black and white on that subject, more so because I had a friend who died from taking drugs, secondly, I actually think if I tried it, I’d probably really like it (addictive personality-ex smoker). So I’ve never shown any interest in it. But what angers me the most that we have had many arguments regarding this subject, some really bad ones where the house has been trashed, and he still had the cheek to bare face lie to me.

Anyway, I decided to stay with him and try and look past it and stop being so judgemental (my brother’s words, not mine) and focus on our future. But since then, nothing has been the same. I feel so betrayed. Like, how can I trust him again? Will I ever trust him again? It’s made me become quite distant and closed and I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself. I feel like he’s won. And I’m the one that has to suffer the consequences. Nothing new there then. It has come between us, even our sex life has gone down hill. There’s no cuddles or kissing anymore. And I’m meant to be marrying him in 6 months time. Like what the hell do I do?

Bloody hell, I don’t quite know where I’m going with this post. I have so much more to say but don’t know if I’m ready just yet. All I know is that I’ve been in a very dark place this week. I’ve never felt so alone. I don’t know if it’s the time of year with my parents no longer being here or what. But I have been having thoughts about not being here and if I should seek help as I don’t know if I’m normal or not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want to end it all, I’m not in that state of mind. But I am kind of thinking what’s the point of all this. Just another 12 months gone by to add to my miserable life.

Oh well, I’ll shut up now and try and get some sleep. If anyone would like to provide me with a new life, friend and trusting and affectionate partner, then you know where I am.

Bye.

Get your own best friend!

This is not me seeking advice, it is quite simply me having a rant and getting some of the frustration that I have built up inside, out in to the universe, with the hope that I’ll see how stupid I am being.

I have a small group of friends, which up until recently, have been hanging out together. In the past, I have spent quality one on one time with each of these girls, who all have extremely different personalities but they all each mean the absolute world to me, as I do not have parents due to being orphaned at a young age.

Out the small group, there are two girls who I would consider my best friends, girl’s who I know I could rely on for absolutely ANYTHING. They have been there for me in my darkest hour and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I honestly could not wish for two better best friends.

Now about 3 months ago, one of the close friends began to form really close friendships with the other girls, but somehow began to neglect our own friendship. She would constantly thank me for introducing her to my friends etc, however it seems that I am no longer of any relevance to her. She has left her own group of close friends, saying that she could never be herself around them. So now she spends the majority of her time with my friends but excludes me.

I’m not going to sit here and lie, it has truly pissed me off and made me very jealous. Only a few months ago I had a similar problem with another girl in the group, to which this girl knew about. So why has she decided to do the exact same thing?!

Initially, I thought it may be because I am the only person in the group that doesn’t take drugs, it has never and will never appeal to me. But I don’t believe this is the case. If I were to say something, I’m going to look pathetic, then if I don’t, I think I’ll actually erupt in pure rage.

This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this best friend third wheeling. I had the same experience in school and college. Forever the friend, always left out when two of my friends grow close. I feel like screaming, “Bitch, get your own best friend!”.

I feel like there must be something wrong with me. I’ve never had groups of girlfriends, simply because I like to have different types of friendship that I can go in between. Well it looks like I’m just going to have to put up and shut up or find a new set of friends.

Why is adult life never simple?!

Keep your circle small!

There are very few people who I would actually call my “friends” and many people who I would class as acquaintances. From a young age, I realised that not everyone has the best intentions for you nor want you to succeed in life.

Whilst being in the care system, I found it very hard to trust people and found it much easier to just be independent and look after number one. I suppose it is the same lesson I still live by today. It is part of my DNA and there is no way of getting rid of it. Even my friends and my fiancé know that there is part of me I will never allow them to see and open up to them, which they find highly frustrating, however, it is a mechanism I use to protect myself.

I have lost many people who I thought were my friend’s in the past, some have returned, but the relationship will never be the same again because the trust I had with them has disappeared. It can be awkward at times, especially as I knew a certain person for 10 years and they were my ultimate best friend. They knew me inside out and I allowed them to know the real me. Now she is just a stranger to me. I will never feel the same about her. The lies she told have been forgiven but I realised that she is not someone I wish to associate myself with anymore. I have grown and she has remained the same.

Even now, I am struggling with a ‘friend’ who is quite close to me, who I am beginning to second-guess her intentions. She is slowly but surely getting close to each one of my other friend’s and alarm bells are ringing. I am very protective and do not get what game she is trying to play. She has her own circle of friends, which she never included me in when they have arranged something. Suddenly she is ringing and texting my friends, not me.  This probably sounds so bloody petty. A grown adult being insecure or even jealous of her friends having a friendship with other people. Probably partly true, not going to deny it. However, I have started to hear small lies here and there, so at this moment in time, I am just observing her actions.

This is why I find it so hard to have friends. I do not know who to trust anymore or whether or not I am being a bit or even I dare say, over protective. I sometimes wish I could just be a normal person and not think random sh*t like that. Then I suppose that would not be me would it?

I got what I wanted, so why am I not happy?

I have recently been rather inactive from blogging and the social media world, as there has been a lot going on in my life. A couple of weeks ago I was YET AGAIN beaten by another candidate to a dream job, which I had put my heart and soul into preparing another marketing strategy for a second stage interview. My recruiter informed me that it was down to them having slightly more senior experience than I do. This has been a massive ball ache for me when it comes to getting the job. How do you expect me to compete if you will not give me the chance?

Anyways, receiving that phone call actually broke me. I was in the centre of town trying my hardest not to cry. I drove to my parents grave and broke down, constantly asking them why I was being rejected from everything I put my hand to. I have spend months applying for jobs, pretty much always getting interviews, to be then knocked back. I did not know what more I could possibly do.

After that, I continued to apply for jobs, hoping that I would get a break through. Randomly, I checked my emails at stupid o’ clock the next morning and noticed that a recruiter actually had got back to me, which I had just thought was an out of office response. Turns out, he thought I would be great for a job I had applied for. Fast forward two weeks, last Friday after a two-stage interview and another damn marketing presentation, I was offered the job. I actually still cannot believe it.

This job offer is actually better than the previous job interviews I had been to, which I can’t quite believe. It ticks all the boxes and is closer to home. It is pretty much the perfect job and everything I could have wished for.

Now here is the problem, I was hoping that suddenly I would feel completely better. I was finally able to leave my old job behind which had made me so bloody miserable and had been signed off sick from. So why am I not ecstatic and jumping for joy? Instead, I have found myself questioning if I actually deserve this opportunity. A dark cloud still hovers over me, as if it is going to take this happiness away from me, so I am scared and reluctant to enjoy the feeling. This is not what I was expecting at all. I thought I would feel on top of the world.

So this week, I’m going to try and get myself into some sort of routine, try and get my mind set in the right place and prepare for starting my new job a week today. It is time for me to really focus and start working on myself and what makes me happy again. New me, new beginnings.

Two steps forward, five steps back!

I have been pretty absent from the blogging world of late. I thought I would take some time out to focus on my mental health and try to get myself back in to some sort of routine in my daily life.

For the past four weeks, everything seemed to be going relatively well, I have been back in the gym, trying to spend some quality time with my closest friends and even going for job interviews. That was up until yesterday when I received yet another blow to my currently lacking confidence.

I have been to several job interviews over the past few months, and always seem to get to the final stage where I am up against another candidate. Then ‘BOOM’, yet again, they win the job and I am once again told that they have beaten me on experience. This is getting a bit of a joke now.

Do not get me wrong, I do not expect to always going be offered every job but I just can never seem to succeed. I have worked my ass off to get myself to where I am today, with one of my main aims being to end the stigma that care leavers like myself, are ambitious and do go on to follow their goals and aspirations and don’t always go down the wrong path.

For the past several months, I have been applying for jobs trying to get myself out there. The most recent job interview was this week where I was up against another candidate, we both had to present a strategy for the business, then yesterday I got the dreaded call that I have once again, not been successful as she had been in a senior position longer than myself, therefore she would bring more experience to the role. It took all my effort to not break down and cry. Why me again? What am I doing so bloody wrong?

I have tried to remain optimistic and think positive thoughts, but what is the bloody point if I am just going to constantly be sh*t upon. What lengths do I need to go to just to have a bit of luck in my life. And yes, I probably am wallowing in self-pity and not focusing on all the positives in my life. But what’s the point?

I really hope a bit of luck comes my way soon as I am not sure how much more rejection I can take!

Another Tuesday – another s*** day!

So, it’s Tuesday and another down day it is. Over the last few weeks, the down days are becoming a bit of a regular thing. I will wake up early, stay in my PJs, watch TV to my hearts content, pester my partner to hurry home, have my tea, then stay up until the early hours of the morning because my mind can’t switch off.

This is my life right now. I have been signed off work for 2 months so far and I feel like I have completely lost the plot along with all motivation. I find absolutely no joy in doing anything. My life sucks!

Do not get me wrong, if I meet up with friends for a coffee or go for food with my partner, I can put my ‘socialising’ mask on for a few hours but I cannot wait to get back to the comfort of my own home. It is a vicious cycle and it will not seem to stop. I feel like I am constantly exhausted but I have not lifted a finger all day. Believe it or not, I wake up tired and go to bed tired. Absolutely ridiculous.

I began going to the gym and taking the dog for long walks but I literally cannot be bothered anymore. I want to do those things but I am unable to motivate myself. The future seems so bleak right now; there is absolutely nothing to look forward to. It probably does not help that I hate my job; however, I spend each day applying for jobs and have been to the odd interview to then be turned down. All I can successfully do is attract negative vibes.

I swear my life has become one big joke. I constantly have conversations in my head and try to be the optimistic, happy go lucky girl that I used to be. Instead, I have a huge pessimistic cloud that will not stop bloody raining down on me. I will have friends trying to call and text me to check up on me but I’m beginning to ignore them. I feel like I am better off dealing with things on my own. I suppose that is what has caused all this and got me to where I am now. I am forever fighting battles alone because I have always been too scared to put my trust in people in case they try to hurt/sabotage me.

All I want to do is pack up and run away from everyone and everything. Unfortunately, I know that will not help me in the slightest. Running away from my problems will not solve what is going off in my head. My main aim now is to try to take each day as it comes and more importantly, be kind to myself.

 

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