Another Tuesday – another s*** day!

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So, it’s Tuesday and another down day it is. Over the last few weeks, the down days are becoming a bit of a regular thing. I will wake up early, stay in my PJs, watch TV to my hearts content, pester my partner to hurry home, have my tea, then stay up until the early hours of the morning because my mind can’t switch off.

This is my life right now. I have been signed off work for 2 months so far and I feel like I have completely lost the plot along with all motivation. I find absolutely no joy in doing anything. My life sucks!

Do not get me wrong, if I meet up with friends for a coffee or go for food with my partner, I can put my ‘socialising’ mask on for a few hours but I cannot wait to get back to the comfort of my own home. It is a vicious cycle and it will not seem to stop. I feel like I am constantly exhausted but I have not lifted a finger all day. Believe it or not, I wake up tired and go to bed tired. Absolutely ridiculous.

I began going to the gym and taking the dog for long walks but I literally cannot be bothered anymore. I want to do those things but I am unable to motivate myself. The future seems so bleak right now; there is absolutely nothing to look forward to. It probably does not help that I hate my job; however, I spend each day applying for jobs and have been to the odd interview to then be turned down. All I can successfully do is attract negative vibes.

I swear my life has become one big joke. I constantly have conversations in my head and try to be the optimistic, happy go lucky girl that I used to be. Instead, I have a huge pessimistic cloud that will not stop bloody raining down on me. I will have friends trying to call and text me to check up on me but I’m beginning to ignore them. I feel like I am better off dealing with things on my own. I suppose that is what has caused all this and got me to where I am now. I am forever fighting battles alone because I have always been too scared to put my trust in people in case they try to hurt/sabotage me.

All I want to do is pack up and run away from everyone and everything. Unfortunately, I know that will not help me in the slightest. Running away from my problems will not solve what is going off in my head. My main aim now is to try to take each day as it comes and more importantly, be kind to myself.

 

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Why do I feel embarrassed for being depressed?

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Actually coming to terms with having depression for me personally, is probably the biggest challenge I have ever come up against in a VERY long time. I feel like a complete fool for feeling the way I do, well a laughing stock if I am going to be completely honest.

It is as if I have a huge sign following me around above my head with the words ‘Depressed’ on it. Surely, this is not normal. You see, like I mentioned in my previous post, I used to think that having a mental health problem was a bit of a weakness, even when people close to me have had to deal with their own problems, I wanted to tell them to sort themselves out. Yes, I agree, what a d***head thing to even think. Nevertheless, that is the truth and my ignorance/lack of understanding about the subject as a whole.

Since being informed by my GP, I have had a hard time telling my friends, simply because, I feel embarrassed. I feel vulnerable and weak. Normally, I am the strongest out of my group of friends, always offering advice and giving support but never EVER talking about myself. I have always wanted to be perceived as the strong independent woman who has overcome A LOT of s*** and come out the other side against all odds. Now, I feel like a defenceless little girl with the spotlight on me for once. I absolutely hate it!

Do not get me wrong, my friends have been incredible and ever so supportive, my fiancé included. However, I just feel like they do not quite know what to say to me, which is fine, as I would not know how to reply. I am not used to being vulnerable and I cannot stand the fact that I have to come to terms with the fact I am not made of steel. I need to learn that it is ok to be weak sometimes and that my support network want to help and I am not just a burden on them.

For the majority of my life, I have had to be strong and pretend to be ok, for the sake of my younger brother. I have pretty much brought him up. You see, my mum died when I was 6 years old and my dad when I were 13 years old, from there my brother and I went into foster care and we lived with various families before being adopted when I turned 15. Unfortunately, at the age of 17, we were made homeless (long story) and I was forced to bring my brother up and became his legal guardian when I turned 18 years old. Eventually we were given a flat after sleeping on bunk beds in emergency accommodation for over 3 months. Anyways, that is another story!

I have always needed to be strong in order to protect my brother and ensure that his needs are always met before my own. Even when life was bloody horrible and I just wanted to break down and cry, I learnt to force myself to forget the emotion and just get on with it. That eventually turned into my life motto. I have learnt to hide my emotions, well up until now where they are currently bursting out of every damn orifice on me.

So after all that (sorry I just wanted to give you a clearer picture), I find it difficult to admit that things are no longer ok and that I am no longer ok. I need to drill this into my head. There are people out there who can/will judge me for having depression, exactly as I used to. That is down to complete ignorance and lack of education regarding the subject. How they feel, has nothing to do with me. I should not be concerned about the thoughts of irrelevant other people. I need to focus on making myself better.

Who am I?

So, I sit here wondering what to say, what to do, how to feel. I truly struggle to find the words to describe this alien emotion. I’m not quite sure what it is or where it came from, it just sort of appeared right here in front of me. Every day is different, not good, not bad. Just different.

Apparently, I’m suffering with depression. Well, so my doctor says. He seems to believe that I may have had it for quite some time and that life has suddenly taken its toll on me. I find this hard to comprehend, how does life suddenly stop?! I can’t quite get my head around how someone like me could possibly have depression. I’m too strong minded to be depressed surely? To me, depression seems like a weakness, a flaw in a person’s mind and ability to function.  I know, that is definitely not the case but I want to be brutally honest with what I thought it was, from my own perspective. I now realise that I was terribly wrong, so totally stupidly wrong. You could call me a c-u-next- Tuesday for even saying that, that’s absolutely fine. But I just want to be as honest as I can.

I have so many questions but yet no answers. How does a 28 year old, working professional with a roof over my head, a job, a fiancé, a dog and great friends suddenly just one day become depressed? If you know the answer then please do let me know.

The honest truth is that I might have an idea as to what the answer is deep down,  in fact, I do know the answer and the answer is very simple…… I am a phoney.

Now wait, I know, this is probably the strangest conclusion you will have ever heard, but it is the truth. I have gone through life pretending to be someone I am not.

Yes I know what you may be thinking, how can I have lived for 28 years and have not been true to myself, more importantly, why? Why can’t I just be who I am and leave it at that. Stop the faking and start enjoying life. Unfortunately, I can’t. Not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know how to and that’s because I don’t actually really know who ME is. Who is Danielle McKenzie? How does she think? How does she feel? What makes her happy? What makes her sad? Why don’t I know who I am?

I feel like a complete idiot. One day I woke up and forgot who I was. Or maybe I just couldn’t continue to play pretend anymore. Who knows? What I do know is that I have gone through life for far too long not being the authentic me, and this has to stop. Now! I can’t carry on this lie any more. It is mentally draining and soul destroying.

I’m not going to go through my reasoning behind my theory now, I’ll save that for the next post. But what I can say is that I am happy to have written this post, just for the simple fact that I feel as though I have peeled away the first layer as to what is going off in my mind, which I know I have needed to do for quite some time and I need to stop putting it off. After all, how am I ever going to discover the real me if I don’t begin the process? So let the search begin.