Who am I?

So, I sit here wondering what to say, what to do, how to feel. I truly struggle to find the words to describe this alien emotion. I’m not quite sure what it is or where it came from, it just sort of appeared right here in front of me. Every day is different, not good, not bad. Just different.

Apparently, I’m suffering with depression. Well, so my doctor says. He seems to believe that I may have had it for quite some time and that life has suddenly taken its toll on me. I find this hard to comprehend, how does life suddenly stop?! I can’t quite get my head around how someone like me could possibly have depression. I’m too strong minded to be depressed surely? To me, depression seems like a weakness, a flaw in a person’s mind and ability to function.  I know, that is definitely not the case but I want to be brutally honest with what I thought it was, from my own perspective. I now realise that I was terribly wrong, so totally stupidly wrong. You could call me a c-u-next- Tuesday for even saying that, that’s absolutely fine. But I just want to be as honest as I can.

I have so many questions but yet no answers. How does a 28 year old, working professional with a roof over my head, a job, a fiancé, a dog and great friends suddenly just one day become depressed? If you know the answer then please do let me know.

The honest truth is that I might have an idea as to what the answer is deep down,  in fact, I do know the answer and the answer is very simple…… I am a phoney.

Now wait, I know, this is probably the strangest conclusion you will have ever heard, but it is the truth. I have gone through life pretending to be someone I am not.

Yes I know what you may be thinking, how can I have lived for 28 years and have not been true to myself, more importantly, why? Why can’t I just be who I am and leave it at that. Stop the faking and start enjoying life. Unfortunately, I can’t. Not that I don’t want to, I just don’t know how to and that’s because I don’t actually really know who ME is. Who is Danielle McKenzie? How does she think? How does she feel? What makes her happy? What makes her sad? Why don’t I know who I am?

I feel like a complete idiot. One day I woke up and forgot who I was. Or maybe I just couldn’t continue to play pretend anymore. Who knows? What I do know is that I have gone through life for far too long not being the authentic me, and this has to stop. Now! I can’t carry on this lie any more. It is mentally draining and soul destroying.

I’m not going to go through my reasoning behind my theory now, I’ll save that for the next post. But what I can say is that I am happy to have written this post, just for the simple fact that I feel as though I have peeled away the first layer as to what is going off in my mind, which I know I have needed to do for quite some time and I need to stop putting it off. After all, how am I ever going to discover the real me if I don’t begin the process? So let the search begin.